About halfway through watching this movie, I figured out who the killer was: me. The dissapointed viewer who had to sit through almost an hour of bullshit, MTV-style direction, a script possibly written by a blind, retarded monkey and actors who had less personality than a fucking brick wall. Honestly, it’s hard to digest how someone could watch 10 minutes of this shit and not want to brutally murder everyone involved in ways that would make the film’s killer awe.
To give you some perspective, Sorority Row is a remake of 1983 film The House On Sorority Row, a low-budget slasher which went on to become a classic in the Slasher genre. While the original had many of the problems in the updated version (Bad acting, script, direction, etc.), it had a certain schlock charm and it’s notoriety made it a favourite at midnight screenings. The original was filmed entirely on location in Balitmore, Maryland, with a mere budget of $425, 000. It went on to gross $10,604,986, which is a healthy profit by any standards. Sorority Row on the other hand, with a budget of $12,500,000, made $26,735,797— not nearly as prodigious as its predecessor.
The most likely reason behind this dissapointing return: the film sucked Rosie O’Donnell’s hairy balls. To make this easy for you, I’m gonna break this review into a few, helpful sections:
Direction: As stated before, the direction in this derivative of something you might see on MTV. In fact, in one scene, the lighting and how the scene was shot heavily reminded me of a music video, which is a big no-no in the film industry. A lot of the scenes are shot in a very boring fashion, which doesn’t help bring to light what seems like decent sets and cinematography. The director would be better suited shooting music videos for some emo rock band, in my opinion.
Script: Possibly one of the most hackneyed and boring scripts of yester year; nothing seemed to really make sense. The characters had no arc or development ot speak of and seemed to make decisions based not on logic, but rather to aid the advancement of the story. I can’t argue that I saw who the killer was from the very start (Barring my opening statement), but once they’re revealed, their motives are so contrived, it’s hard not to feel cheated. The pacing is also off; a lot of scenes try to produce some much needed tension, but instead cheat by relying too heavily on gore — something the current industry could do without.
Acting: Almost all of the acting in Sorority Row is terrible. All the lines are delivered in such a boring way, that it’s hard to form any kind of emotional connection with the characters. The main charcter, Cassidy (played by the beautiful Briana Evigan), doesn’t do much in the way of gaining the audience’s support for her. This goes for the rest of the cast too; every single one of them are annoying bitches who you hope die slow, painful deaths. The only sliver of light at the end of the tunnel is Leah Pipes as Jessica, the MEGA BITCH. Unfortunately, you’re so engrossed in hating her character, that it’s hard to appreciate her performance.
(I will add however, that there are a ton of hot chicks and nudity in this movie. Like I’ve always had a Asian fetish and that Jamie Chung chick…*drools all over keyboard*. Seriously though, any heterosexual dude will find more than his fair share of chicks to fap to—I mean appreciate…)
You may be wondering why I watched this film in the first place; how could I have ever been conned into watching such a horrible excuse for a movie? Well, frankly, it recommended by a friend, who said, “It sucked, but the chicks are pretty hot”. So yeah…
Also I didn’t rent this or anything, I just downloaded it off Megaupload, as my download quota was nowhere near finishing and was about to be renewed.
RATING: 3/10
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